Monologues

FUNNY GIRL
FANNY BRICE

Suppose all ya ever had for breakfast was onion rolls. Then one day, in walks (gasp) a bagel! You'd say, 'Ugh, what's that?' Until you tried it! That's my problem - I'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls. Nobody recognizes me! Listen, I got 36 expressions. Sweet as pie and tough as leather. And that's six expressions more than all those...Barrymores put together. Instead of just kicking me, why don't they give me a lift? Well, it must be a plot, 'cause they're scared that I got...such a gift! 'Cause I'm the greatest star, I am by far, but no one knows it. Wait - they're gonna hear a voice, a silver flute. They'll cheer each toot, hey, she's terrific!, when I expose it. Now can't you see to look at me that I'm a natural Camille, and as Camille, I just feel, I've so much to offer. Kid, I know I'd be divine because I'm a natural cougher (coughs) - some ain't got it, not a lump. I'm a great big clump of talent! Laugh, they'll bend in half. Did you ever hear the story about the travelling salesman? A thousand jokes, stick around for the jokes. A thousand faces. I reiterate. When you're gifted, then you're gifted. These are facts, I've got no axe to grind. Ay! What are ya, blind? In all of the world so far, I'm the greatest star! No autographs, please. What? You think beautiful girls are gonna stay in style forever? I should say not! Any minute now they're gonna be out! FINISHED! Then it'll be my turn!

THE FANTASTIKS
LUISA

This morning a bird woke me up.
It was a lark, or a peacock; something like that.
So I said hello. And it vanished, flew away, the very moment I said hello!
It was quite mysterious.
So do you know what I did? I went to my mirror and brushed my hair two hundred times, without stopping. And as i was brushing it, my hair turned mauve. No, honestly! Mauve! Then red. then some sort of a deep blue when the sun hit it....
I'm sixteen years old, and every day something happens to me.
I don't know what to make of it.
When i get up in the morning and get dressed, I can tell...something's different.
I like to touch my eyelids, because they're never quite the same. oh, oh, oh!
I hug myself till my arms turn blue, then I close my eyes and cry and cry till the tears come down and I can taste them.
I love to taste my tears.
I am special.
I am special!
Please god, please, don't let me be normal!

THE PRINCESS DIARIES
MIA

Hi, um... hello. I'm Mia. Um, it's stopped raining! I'm really no good at speech-making. Normally I get so nervous that I faint or run away, or sometimes I even get sick. But you really didn't need to know that... But I'm not so afraid anymore. See, my father helped me. Earlier this evening had every intention of giving up my claim to the throne. And my mother 0helped me, by telling me it was ok, and by supporting me like she has for my entire life. But then I wondered how I'd feel after abdicating my role as Princess of Genovia. Would I feel relieved, or would I feel sad? And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word 'I.' And probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there's like seven billion other people out there on the planet, and... sorry, I'm going too fast. But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time.

See, if i were Princess of Genovia, then my thoughts and the thoughts of people smarter than me would be much better heard, and just maybe those thoughts could be turned into actions. So this morning when I woke up, I was Mia Thermopolis. But now I choose to be forevermore, Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia.

YOU’RE A GOOD MAN CHARLEY BROWN
CHARLIE BROWN

I think lunchtime is about the worst time of day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of course, sometimes, mornings aren't so pleasant either. Waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there's the night, too. Lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. Well, I guess I'd better see what I've got. Peanut butter. Some psychiatrists’ say that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely...I guess they're right. And when you're really lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. There's that cute little redheaded girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she would do if I went over and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her?...She'd probably laugh right in my face...it's hard on a face when it gets laughed in. There's an empty place next to her on the bench. There's no reason why I couldn't just go over and sit there. I could do that right now. All I have to do is stand up...I'm standing up!...I'm sitting down. I'm a coward. I'm so much of a coward, she wouldn't even think of looking at me. She hardly ever does look at me. In fact, I can't remember her ever looking at me. Why shouldn't she look at me? Is there any reason in the world why she shouldn't look at me? Is she so great, and I'm so small, that she can't spare one little moment?...SHE'S LOOKING AT ME!! SHE'S LOOKING AT ME!! (he puts his lunchbag over his head.) ...Lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. If that little redheaded girl is looking at me with this stupid bag over my head she must think I'm the biggest fool alive. But, if she isn't looking at me, then maybe I could take it off quickly and she'd never notice it. On the other hand...I can't tell if she's looking, until I take it off! Then again, if I never take it off I'll never have to know if she was looking or not. On the other hand...it's very hard to breathe in here. (he removes his sack) Whew! She's not looking at me! I wonder why she never looks at me? Oh well, another lunch hour over with...only 2,863 to go.

ANNIE HALL
ALVY SINGER

There's an old joke. Um, two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain Resource [cough] and one of 'em says "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says "Yeah I know, and such small portions."

Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness, and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The, the other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx. But I think is appears originally in Freud's "Wit and It's Relation to the Unconscious." And it goes like this, I'm paraphrasing, um: I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member. That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. You know, lately the strangest things have been going through my mind--'cause, I turned 40. And I guess I'm going through a life crisis or something, I don't know, and I, uh, and I'm not worried about aging. I'm not one of those characters, you know, I, uh, well, I'm balding slightly on top. I guess that’s the worst you can say about me. I, um, I think I'm going to get better as I get older, you know, I think I'm gonna be the, the balding, virile type, you know as opposed to say, the, um, distinguished gray, for instance. You know, 'less I'm neither of those two. 'Less I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag, screaming about socialism.

Annie and I broke up. And, and I, I still can't get my mind around that, you know, I, I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind, and, and examining my life and trying to figure out where did the screw-up come. You know, and, and a year ago we were, in love, you know. And, and, and, I'm not a, I'm not a morose type, I'm not a depressed character. I, I, I uh, you know, I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War Two...

ANIMAL CRACKERS
CAPTAIN SPAULDING

Friends, I'm going to to tell you of the great mysterious wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa, God's country. And he can have it...Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.

We at once proceded 300 miles into the heart of the jungle where I shot a polar bear. This bear was 6 foot 7 in his stocking feet and had shoes on. This bear was anemic and couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and could afford to go away in the winter. From the day of our arrival we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, then back in bed at seven. This was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six-thirty.

One morning I was sitting in front of the cabin smoking some meat There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers. I bagged them, I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistant tigers I've ever seen. The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elk and Knights of Pythias.

Of course you all know what a moose is, that's big game. The first day I shot two bucks that was the biggest game we had. As I say you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese and is chased by the cats. The elks on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come down to the water-hole; and you should see them run when they find it is only water-hole. What they're looking for is a elk-a-hole. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.